Tuesday, August 30, 2011

How To Raise Children - Pt.1

My wife and I have three children.  They are perfect in every way and never do anything wrong except when they just won't shush when Daddy's watching his racing.

If and when any of you out there become pregnant, or your wives become pregnant, or you're adopting, kidnapping, or you're picking up a little one at one of Angelina Jolie's garage sales, people won't be able to resist offering you advice on your new progeny.

Most of this advice will be terrible, misguided, and in at least three States - illegal.

I will now do you a huge favor and cut through all the bullshit by boiling it down to one simple rule. 

Your job as a parent is to not raise an asshole.

There.  Simple.  To the point.  Don't you wish more people had followed that advice when you were a kid?  Then there'd be fewer assholes to deal with.  Everything you do with your kids should be informed by that simple litmus test. 

"If I let my kids whine and I give into their demands, will this make them grow into an asshole?"

Yes.  Don't let them whine excessively and make them eat their damn vegetables.

"If I don't get after them for hitting other kids will that make them grow into an asshole?"

Yes.  If you don't make them stop hitting my kids, I will.

"If I don't love them enough or give them affection, emotionally alienating them, will that make them an asshole?"

Remember that douchebag/baguette you used to date that cheated on you?  Yeah.  'Nuff said.

There you have it, the one simple rule to raising kids - pretty intuitive huh?

Joking aside, raising kids is more simple than it can sometimes look.  Love the hell out of your kids, understand that they're the most important things in your life now, and bring them up to be the best versions of yourself and throw in a pinch of confidence to help them be the things that you wish you'd had the guts to be.

And don't let them be assholes.


Marissa said...

Excellent, I will remember this for when I have children...

Anonymous said...

My son turned 1 back at the end of June, and honestly you've said a mouthful in that simple statement. I worry all the time if I'm not doing enough or if I'm doing too much... I think so long as the end result is that my kid grows up to be a nice guy I've done it right. I really enjoyed this and I linked to it on my facebook page.

Nancy Nosek said...

My kids are 20, 24, and 27, and this pretty much mirrors how I hope I approached parenting. What tickles me now is when my kids watch the behavior of children today, or even their own friends, and tell me how happy they are that I "raised them right."

Anonymous said...

wonderful read. I love your writing, Richard!!! from sabrinakim666 -twitter account hehe.