How To Raise Children - Pt.1

My wife and I have three children.  They are perfect in every way and never do anything wrong except when they just won't shush when Daddy's watching his racing.

If and when any of you out there become pregnant, or your wives become pregnant, or you're adopting, kidnapping, or you're picking up a little one at one of Angelina Jolie's garage sales, people won't be able to resist offering you advice on your new progeny.

Most of this advice will be terrible, misguided, and in at least three States - illegal.

I will now do you a huge favor and cut through all the bullshit by boiling it down to one simple rule. 

Your job as a parent is to not raise an asshole.

There.  Simple.  To the point.  Don't you wish more people had followed that advice when you were a kid?  Then there'd be fewer assholes to deal with.  Everything you do with your kids should be informed by that simple litmus test. 

"If I let my kids whine and I give into their demands, will this make them grow into an asshole?"

Yes.  Don't let them whine excessively and make them eat their damn vegetables.


"If I don't get after them for hitting other kids will that make them grow into an asshole?"

Yes.  If you don't make them stop hitting my kids, I will.

"If I don't love them enough or give them affection, emotionally alienating them, will that make them an asshole?"

Remember that douchebag/baguette you used to date that cheated on you?  Yeah.  'Nuff said.

There you have it, the one simple rule to raising kids - pretty intuitive huh?

Joking aside, raising kids is more simple than it can sometimes look.  Love the hell out of your kids, understand that they're the most important things in your life now, and bring them up to be the best versions of yourself and throw in a pinch of confidence to help them be the things that you wish you'd had the guts to be.

And don't let them be assholes.

Smart Ain't Stupid

I remember, albeit perhaps through rose colored glasses, when being an intellectual wasn't a liability for a politician.  Shoot, I remember when having an intellect wasn't a liability.

We live in this incredibly dumbed down era, a time when even the basest of us have been elevated to the status of genius by "opinion polls" that ask people what they "believe" in, as though it has some bearing on whether or not it exists.

My favorite such poll was one on CNN.com that queried visitors as to whether or not they "believed" in evolution.  Sadly, shockingly, and stupidly it was a split vote.

I'm going to lay some truth on the internet here:

1. Evolution is real
2. Climate change is real
3. Natural disasters don't occur because anyone is mad at you
4. It's none of your business if two people who aren't you get it on
5. We really need to stop wasting time on these subjects

I don't think it's okay to not teach our kids things out of the fear that someone might be offended by the incontrovertible truth of scientific reality.

I don't think it's okay that a large and vocal group ridicules and beats down science with one voice and then demands science saves their lives when sickness comes calling.

I don't think it's okay that news outlets offer anything other than the facts and as near an objective story as humanly possible.

I don't think it's okay to hate one's neighbor while demanding love and kindness for oneself.

A well known and well respected politician died recently here in Canada.  His passing unified people in sadness, regret, and sympathy.  Whether people agreed with his politics or not, citizens everywhere respected the man.  He left a letter to Canadians that was both heart-felt and inspiring.  His last words in his letter were:

• "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world." - Jack Layton

Wise words from a wise man.  Jack Layton wasn't my politician, and the NDP isn't my party, but I am certainly proud to have had my politics impacted by a man (and other men and women) who aren't afraid to be wise.

The Following Things Are Not Real . . .

Ghosts
Paranormal Activities
Reincarnation
Astrology
Gemology
Crystology
Cosmology
Any Word That Ends In "Ology" (This includes Geology)
Intelligent Design
Transmogrification
Psychics
Head Cheese
A Cool Politician
Klingons
Zombies
Vampires
Werewolves
That Hair Appointment That Girl You Like Keeps Claiming To Have Every Time You Ask Her Out
Gremlins (Even The Cars)
Most of Holland
Wrestling (With the exception of the mud variety - that's as real as it gets)
Attractive Uggs
Hipsters
An Un-Delicious Animal
A Highly Educated Religious Zealot
A "Reasonable" Amount of Botox
Michele Bachmann's Penis