Haters Gonna Hate . . . Because They're Assholes

I have a lot of great fans.  Fans Tony the Tiger would be proud of.

They visit me on my fan page, they visit my website, they visit this blog, they write their government representatives to tell them how great I am, and some of the more female and attractive fans even send in bikini shots of themselves posing with cakes because they know how much I like cakes.

But then there are the anti-fans.  Not Auntie Fan - she's lovely.

No, I'm talking about the haters.   You know the ones - the total douche-bags that live on the internet and smack talk everything that comes their way.

They are also known as trolls - as in the things that live under bridges and eat childrens' bones, only in this case the bridge is their mother's basement and the childrens' bones are Hot Pockets and Tang.

I've come across a few of these guys and gals over my years as an F-List celebrity (that's right baby, F-List - I've had it confirmed by NASA.  They apparently have a lot of down time these days).  

They're generally on YouTube and love to slam me and call me a jerk, and weird looking, and small.  Now to be fair, all of these things are true, but they wouldn't know that because they've never met me.

Although I may have met them.  I wouldn't know.  You know why?  Because although literally billions of people hate on me on the interweb, figuratively zero people have ever said anything to my face.  You know why?

Simple.  Haters are pussies.

These people hate on everything and everyone.  From that 14 year old girl Rebecca Black, to that 17 year old girl Justine Bieber, trolls attack anything that reminds them that they're angry at the world because their mom doesn't serve the Tang cold enough to their gaming liar.

So I say screw 'em . . .  not literally of course! 

I'm pretty sure they all have some kind of immaculately spread venereal disease that makes everything itch and 8-bit characters sexually appealing.

Taking the Fun Out of Fundamental

It has occurred to me that the most fundamentally, intractably, and aggressively religious among us don't understand life. 

You know the ones.

They want to run your life.  They want to tell you how to live.  They want to tell you how evil you are and why you're going to go to hell.  They don't believe in a separation of church and state unless it's someone else's church from their state.

Some of them want to hurt you.

They are distrustful of intellect, let alone intellectuals.  They flat out hate science right up until they need it to save their lives.

They will tell you it's us against them.  Of course the ones you're talking to are always the "us" in the equation no matter where on Earth you're standing.

I have realized these people don't understand life because they think they are going to live in one capacity or another forever.

It's awfully easy to be glib with someone else's life if you don't believe in death.

No matter your belief, try a little experiment - spend one day as though there is no heaven.  Spend that day savoring the light in the present that only exists in that moment.

Try to have a little fun.  Pass on the fundamentalism.

How To Raise Children - Pt.1

My wife and I have three children.  They are perfect in every way and never do anything wrong except when they just won't shush when Daddy's watching his racing.

If and when any of you out there become pregnant, or your wives become pregnant, or you're adopting, kidnapping, or you're picking up a little one at one of Angelina Jolie's garage sales, people won't be able to resist offering you advice on your new progeny.

Most of this advice will be terrible, misguided, and in at least three States - illegal.

I will now do you a huge favor and cut through all the bullshit by boiling it down to one simple rule. 

Your job as a parent is to not raise an asshole.

There.  Simple.  To the point.  Don't you wish more people had followed that advice when you were a kid?  Then there'd be fewer assholes to deal with.  Everything you do with your kids should be informed by that simple litmus test. 

"If I let my kids whine and I give into their demands, will this make them grow into an asshole?"

Yes.  Don't let them whine excessively and make them eat their damn vegetables.


"If I don't get after them for hitting other kids will that make them grow into an asshole?"

Yes.  If you don't make them stop hitting my kids, I will.

"If I don't love them enough or give them affection, emotionally alienating them, will that make them an asshole?"

Remember that douchebag/baguette you used to date that cheated on you?  Yeah.  'Nuff said.

There you have it, the one simple rule to raising kids - pretty intuitive huh?

Joking aside, raising kids is more simple than it can sometimes look.  Love the hell out of your kids, understand that they're the most important things in your life now, and bring them up to be the best versions of yourself and throw in a pinch of confidence to help them be the things that you wish you'd had the guts to be.

And don't let them be assholes.

Smart Ain't Stupid

I remember, albeit perhaps through rose colored glasses, when being an intellectual wasn't a liability for a politician.  Shoot, I remember when having an intellect wasn't a liability.

We live in this incredibly dumbed down era, a time when even the basest of us have been elevated to the status of genius by "opinion polls" that ask people what they "believe" in, as though it has some bearing on whether or not it exists.

My favorite such poll was one on CNN.com that queried visitors as to whether or not they "believed" in evolution.  Sadly, shockingly, and stupidly it was a split vote.

I'm going to lay some truth on the internet here:

1. Evolution is real
2. Climate change is real
3. Natural disasters don't occur because anyone is mad at you
4. It's none of your business if two people who aren't you get it on
5. We really need to stop wasting time on these subjects

I don't think it's okay to not teach our kids things out of the fear that someone might be offended by the incontrovertible truth of scientific reality.

I don't think it's okay that a large and vocal group ridicules and beats down science with one voice and then demands science saves their lives when sickness comes calling.

I don't think it's okay that news outlets offer anything other than the facts and as near an objective story as humanly possible.

I don't think it's okay to hate one's neighbor while demanding love and kindness for oneself.

A well known and well respected politician died recently here in Canada.  His passing unified people in sadness, regret, and sympathy.  Whether people agreed with his politics or not, citizens everywhere respected the man.  He left a letter to Canadians that was both heart-felt and inspiring.  His last words in his letter were:

• "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world." - Jack Layton

Wise words from a wise man.  Jack Layton wasn't my politician, and the NDP isn't my party, but I am certainly proud to have had my politics impacted by a man (and other men and women) who aren't afraid to be wise.

The Following Things Are Not Real . . .

Ghosts
Paranormal Activities
Reincarnation
Astrology
Gemology
Crystology
Cosmology
Any Word That Ends In "Ology" (This includes Geology)
Intelligent Design
Transmogrification
Psychics
Head Cheese
A Cool Politician
Klingons
Zombies
Vampires
Werewolves
That Hair Appointment That Girl You Like Keeps Claiming To Have Every Time You Ask Her Out
Gremlins (Even The Cars)
Most of Holland
Wrestling (With the exception of the mud variety - that's as real as it gets)
Attractive Uggs
Hipsters
An Un-Delicious Animal
A Highly Educated Religious Zealot
A "Reasonable" Amount of Botox
Michele Bachmann's Penis

Pitchin' and Bitchin'

As the New Year cracks open like a ripe cantaloupe, I am committing to my new ethos - pitch, pitch, pitch.  As a professional and largely employed actor for 23 years, what I really want to do is be a cliché.  I love directing and producing and have long felt that is the place for me as I move forth into the next couple of decades.
So, that means pitching like crazy this year.  The end goal before the 12th month of 2011 is to have sold a concept, show, or script.  It’s interesting trying to make what is essentially a lateral move.  Twenty three years of experience in a given industry is more often than not a big plus when trying to move through it, but it’s not always easy to convince those that need convincing of that.
Hopefully this year will be rife with meetings and schmoozing, wheeling and dealing.

Gaining A Year

It was my birthday this past Sunday, and I have obviously since gained another year.  As per usual, this annual festivus is cause for some introspection, some reflection, and some cake.  Having consumed the cake, humor me as I dispense with some conclusion born of said introspection and reflection.

Approaching the big day, a very good friend did as all good friends should do and gave me a hard time in regards to my impending aging (apparently it all happens at once).  He asked when I would start lying about my age?  I thought for the briefest of seconds (I find that's how I do my best work) and remarked that I never lie about my age, nor would I ever.  You see, when I was 15, I was diagnosed with a very serious medical condition called autoimmune hepatitis.  Which is, as anyone with a medical degree could easily discern from the title alone, a disease in which my immune system attacks my own body (autoimmunity), in this case my liver (hepat) and causes it to inflame (itis).  After being ill for four and a half months, and receiving a diagnosis after a fair amount of jaundice and blood-letting at the very chilly hands of various phlebotomists, I was put on medication that suppressed my immune system and saved my life - medication that I am still on to this day.  Rest assured, my intention isn't to get all droopy here, or depressive, or melodramatic, or even a hybrid combination of the three . . . droopresslodramatic.  It's too point out a simple and long held belief of mine: age is a privilege denied to so many.

I will never lie about my age for the simple fact that if it weren't for my medication and the advances of science, I wouldn't be here right now.  I'm proud of how old I am.  I'm proud of the life I've lived.  I'm proud of how much living I've been blessed to be able to cram into these 37 years.  Furthermore, I resolve to pack as much living (or more) into my next 37.  After all, life is for the living isn't it?  It's this saying I think of when I read the more . . . shall we say dramatic . . . statuses on Facebook (or is that stati?).  It's a common theme for me, I realize, but when it comes down to it I think people should focus on the good fortune that surrounds them when they tearfully lament the burning of toast, or the dropping of glass, or the whatever of whatever that makes them scrawl FML.  Honestly?  To say f--- one's life over something so trivial?  I get it - it's hyperbole, but still - I think perspective is in short supply these days.

People will often ask online how I stay upbeat.  Well, I'll tell you - it's this.  It's everything I just wrote.  I stay upbeat because I remember how lucky I am.  Not just with family or career, in which I am incredible fortunate to be sure, but because I am here.  Because I am here to spend time with my family, because I am here to have a career.  My favorite thing to say when anyone seems frazzled, angry, overwhelmed, over-dramatic, or overtaxed is: "You are not in the Darfur, and you are not currently on fire.  Almost everything else we can deal with".  I realize it's an oversimplification, but the point is there.  I wrote in an earlier post that most of what we get so wrapped up in is make believe anyway, so try not to lose yourself in it.  This isn't to say I'm not guilty of getting wrapped up in the pseudo-importance of a moment either, but I try to regain focus by thinking about how lucky I really am.  There are people in this world who are literally eating dirt.  My life is just fine.  Help the people with the dirt.

As I've also written on here before, because of my medical condition, I have come to value and prize life over everything.  Not just the life itself mind you, but also the quality of that life.  No matter what you believe spiritually, we can all agree on this - you get one life.  One tangible, seeable, proveable life (not all of those words are real).  On that count we are all of us alike.  Having said that to take someone's life, or quality of life over a belief is about the the worst thing one can do.  Right now there are a lot of young men and women taking their own lives over other people's beliefs and the bullying that comes along with it.  Telling someone that they aren't natural or right because they don't live up to your idea of what is "right" or other is more than offensive, it's tantamount to bigotry.  Unfortunately it is also becoming State sanctioned bigotry when the lawmakers hide behind the veil of Propositions and ballots.  A government's job is to administer the workings of the country and serve and protect its citizens - apparently sometimes from other citizens.  I met a young man in Tampa this year who approached me for an autograph.  He wore a shirt that read, "Not Gay, But Supportive".  He couldn't have been more that 12.  I marveled at this young man and then wrote in his program, "The World needs more kids like you" before signing it.  Indeed we do.

Well, that's it.  Another terribly earnest blog post.  It started with birthday cake and sunshine and became political.  I am beginning to think that I can't actually write anything mirthful!  In the end it boils down to this: live your life to the fullest and let others do the same - heck, try to help others live theirs if you get the chance!  I certainly appreciated all of the birthday wishes from all my friends - Facebook and IRL!  So next time you get down about gaining another year on Father Time, remember what I wrote here and look at how lucky you really are.